The road to hell, as the saying goes, is paved with good intentions. This is as true for interpersonal relationships as it is for any aspect of life; setting out to build a connection is no guarantee of a meaningful bond, and some actions even have the opposite effect.

Such is the case with "boomerasking", which recent research from Harvard Business School and Imperial College London identifies as the act of asking someone a question, briefly letting them answer, and then answering it yourself.

The boomerasker's intention tends to be to start a conversation with a positive connection before sharing something on their side, rather than leading with information about themselves. Indeed, the researchers found that around 83 per cent of respondents thought boomerasking would help them make a better impression than launching into what they wanted to say without an initial question.

In fact, the effect is to appear egocentric and disinterested; the study found that people prefer conversation partners who more straightforwardly talk about themselves, and find boomeraskers less sincere and less likeable.

This is due to the importance of "conversational uptake": the natural pattern of building on the contributions of the other person in a conversation, including through listening, asking follow-up questions and paraphrasing. Boomerasking shows interest in the first two stages, through asking a question and listening to the response, but then fails at the third stage when the response is ignored and the conversation becomes self-focused.

As we are all constantly evaluating whether people’s motives are selfish or selfless in conversation, when someone asks us a question, we hope they really care about the response. With that in mind, it’s easy to see how going to the trouble of sharing something, only to have the other person ignore it and talk about themselves instead, can be particularly jarring.

Poor communication is lowering job satisfaction, increasing stress, and eroding trust in leadership

Lessons for leaders

There’s obviously an important lesson here for managers and business leaders, who may be especially keen to boost team morale or help colleagues feel included. In this context, team members might be particularly put off by a boss who, for example, arranges meetings only to brush over people’s feedback to tell everyone their own thoughts, or asks colleagues about their weekends and then proceeds to tell them about their own time off rather than engaging with the response.

This type of chronic boomerasking comes across as cold and self-interested, which is particularly relevant as remote and hybrid roles come to be the norm across sectors. Digital communication – where listening behaviours are more visible than they might be in person – are becoming a cornerstone of workplace productivity.

In line with this, a 2023 study found that poor communication is lowering job satisfaction, increasing stress, and eroding trust in leadership. Staff that feel this way, with a lack of voice, are more likely to disengage, increasing employee turnover and "quiet quitting".

It’s possible that there is a generational element to this as well. Previous generations may have been more ready to accept a hierarchical dynamic in which a manager’s opinions simply mattered more, but we know those who make up the workforce of the future value authentic engagement and meaningful connection. This means boomerasking is likely to be a more damaging habit now than in previous decades, and leaders need to curb it as part of a move towards recognising the type of communication younger colleagues prioritise.

Breaking the habit

Fortunately, following these simple tips can help leaders to train themselves out of the boomerasking habit:

• Practice self-awareness – realise you’re asking questions and then dismissing, or failing, to listen to the response is the first step to improving.

• Show real interest: practice asking follow-up questions or comments that show you’ve understood what someone has said.

• Stay focused for one more round: when you feel the impulse to talk about yourself, let the conversation take one more round of turns, focusing on the other person.

• Ask questions you can’t answer: leading with a question you can’t answer yourself can help curb the urge to turn the conversation back to you, e.g. asking someone about their pets if you don't have any.

• Spark a broader culture shift: encourage a culture of curiosity, in which staff at all levels are encouraged to learn from one another and are rewarded for it.